Mid Year Resolution

So today marks the 184th day of 2007. Yes, that would mean that half the year has come and gone. Six months have passed and I have no major accomplishments. Well, I did move out of my parent's house, but come on; I am 24 so it was bound to happen. Other than that I really haven't done anything. I go to work everyday of the week, sometimes I stay late or work weekends, but that is it. I don't do much. How lame am I? Very!

I'm not one to make resolutions, usually because I have yet to actually follow through, but I feel as if I am at this point in my life where I must finally say "Hey Priscilla you might want to ponder this thing called life. You know people actually do something with it. They live it." I tend to think of all these wonderful possibilities, my hopes, my dreams, but for some reason I don't do anything that may someday lead me down a path where I just might actually achieve a goal or make a dream become my reality. I think, but never act. So I guess it is time to act or forever be stuck here. But where do I want to go? How the fuck should I know! I just don't want to be here.

I don't want to be in California. I don't want to be at my job. I don't want to be at this place in my mind where I don't know what I want. I am somewhat sure of the things I don't want, but I don't have a fucking clue what I do want or do I?

I want to be in New York. I want to have a different job or the means to not need to have a job. I want to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to want this life. I want to live and to make a difference, whatever that means. I want success. I want to not be fearful of taking a chance. I want to be happy. I want just being me to be enough.

I wish that everything I had was enough to make me happy. I wish I wasn't me. I wish I was understood, but even I don't understand myself. I wish I was taller.

So what does one do when they are completely lost? Do I ask for directions, turn around and go back to where I started and choose a new path, or wait until someone drops into my life and just hands me everything I've ever wanted? That last one sounds pretty good.

I know! I will just pretend that all of this was part of my plan and bullshit myself into thinking that I've always meant to end up here.

Or I could just start over, right now. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, right? I will leave the past in the past, but learn from my mistakes. I will believe in myself always. I will finish the things I start. I will start to trust myself. I will take a chance. Yes, just one, but it will be a good one.